i think entirely too much.

i feel life transitioning. i feel myself changing… rather i see it in the way i act… the way i talk… who i’m being drawn towards.. what i take interest in… i can feel that things aren’t the same anymore…

this is happening again. this is another point in my life where i am no longer myself… who i “was” to the people i’m surrounded by currently.

i don’t feel close to the people that i call best friends anymore.. like i should distance myself.. and not because i want to.. but because i feel as though they do not like me anymore.. that i did something they didn’t like and that now their feelings are irreversible.. irreparable.. never going to be the same again, it could come close.. but never how it was… and that’s something i’m not ok with.. so i distance myself unintentionally.

i say unintentionally because i don’t just randomly sit and say “well it was ok while it lasted but it’s time to move on”… i just feel wrong… that i bother them… i naturally begin to feel uncomfortable with them… i don’t want this.. i hate this… and it has happened before … 

i cried… because i can’t change this… the more i try to go against these instincts, the more wrong i feel.

i no longer feel motivated.. to do anything.. as bad as i want to be a photographer i feel as though if no one, and by no one i don’t mean everyone, cares or appreciates what i do now, then no one will in the future… so why work hard.. why even try at all…

school is effortless for me.. i just wish it be over.. it is currently my lifes lament… maybe if school was out of the way more doors would be open, or atleast i’d feel more free.

i feel like i am disintegrating, from the inside out.

like i’m slowly, gradually becoming and worthless shell of a person. a person who had potential, but lacked conviction and the know how to succeed..

my mind is poison.

i am going to make this text post about my friends. other than tia because i always have pictures of her and stuff like that… these are the other people i call friends.. why should the internet know? ….. good question

this is me and my friends from history class. most of the only people i talk to at school. it was junior dress up day last thursday. the girl next to me is wilmarie. we’ve been going to school with eachother since kindergarten.. we didn’t start being friends until 7th grade lol.. the boy next to me is thomas he’s sassy. not gay, just sassy. yellow dress is kate. she’s funny, but she talks down on herself too much. i think she’s poppin. the boy in blue is brandon. he’s fucking hilarious, and a cool person all together, our sisters are friends and they both have babies.. cool!

this is justin and emile. we tried looking like a family. i look like i’m scheming on the cameragirl. lol. emile is from the bahamas. he came to america this year for basketball, we’re the same height and both gemini’s. we’re the same in so many ways … yay…. justin is my bestfriend.. i can honestly say i tell him everything. and vice versa … we havent officially hung out outside of school yet.. but it will happen this summer. 

this is jeana. she’s internet famous kinda.. maybe.. idk.. people know her lol

she is also my bestfriend.. this is gay.. lol.. we have our beef’s but yaknow.. we’ll always be there for eachother. i tell her everything too. and she also tells me everything. i always stay at her house.. this is her room.. we like to dress up and go out places.. but usually you’ll find us eating.. because that’s all we really do together.. 

now i’m going to flood my feed with pictures of myself from this weekend.. bye

a person just messaged me saying they respect me.. this made me feel so good.. so good that i had to make a text post.. that’s the best compliment ever.. 

speaking of respect in the past 24hrs i’ve watched 2 documentaries. one on basquiat and another on keith haring. seeing their stories is so motivating. i envy the drive that they had. i aspire to be that ambitious and that progressive…in an odd way i feel a very strong connection to them..

they died really young.. keith felt like they needed to give the world all that he possibly could in the little time that he had.. basquiat wanted to be famous.. he wanted to be great.. i see my future in the same way.. for the past two years i’ve had these strong feelings that i am going to be great.. at what, i’m not too sure but i just feel the pressure inside of me when i start to think.. a feeling that i am going to be bigger than myself.. i hate to actually say this and it’s the first time i ever have because it sounds egotistical, and i’m honestly not that type of person. but i feel like i am going to do great in my eyes… but i also feel like my life won’t last.. like i have to take advantage of the “NOW” the present, and give the world around me the best of me i could possibly give… i feel like i am going to die young… i actually tell my “friends” at school this when they all talk about getting old and having kids. i don’t think i will have kids… i honestly believe i’m going to die before the age of 30… and i hate that.. on the other hand i do want to die young… getting old is almost as bad as being a teenager… in different ways… but that’s another conversation… 

to end this ramble, it is my life’s aspiration to be renown, respected, and revered.   to be looked up to, to help, and to find purpose.

• i got to hang out with julian it was really cool, i missed him man. that’s the most time i ever spent with him at once and aside from the hood shit that i encountered i had a good time with him and jeana. we sat outside his house for a few hours both nights it was cool.
• i met a boy, he’s beautiful. we don’t talk or anything but he’s really cool. he made this spring break pretty awesome. not the type of person me and tia or anyone i know would normally be friends with. fuck internet perceptions. getting to know people in real life is beneficial to happiness.
• became cool with the Mitchell & Ness employees and spent hours everyday in there just bullshitting it was nice.
• i saw every single one of my friends over the spring break

i’d say this was a spring break well spent.. not much to complain about.. i’m living and it feels so good… aside from the hard wall of depression that hit me a few hours ago in realizing i have school tomorrow all is well… all is well this was the greatest school break i’ve had in my entire life.

i think i’m content with life.

my emotions.

i think

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.. a online UK abercrombie outlet has a pair of pants described as “Nigger Brown” if you look for it now you’ll find this.. admittedly i think it’s hilarious, but i’d say a majority of the world found it highly offensive.. but the word “Nigga”… “Nigger” whatever your preference lol, to me, has no particular meaning.

what is a word after all? something made up to describe or differentiate one thing from another. a label. i’m not sure, this is just my personal definition… and if this is so , should any one person be offended by one? what gives a word power? the meaning? or how others react to the meaning? no matter what you do, say, or argue words exist and you can’t stop it from existing.. so why not reinvent what it means to you if you don’t like what it means? who is stopping you?

i say nigga… my friends call me nigga…. white kids at my school say nigga, that is until a real “nigga” is around ( lol real nigga ). am i offended, not in the least. and why you ask? because the intention is not offensive.

MY NIGGA!!!! (endearment)

fuck what you sayin’ nigga. (indifference)

damn nigga, i feel you. (apathy)

she’s acting like a straight nigga. (state of being, referring to male tendencies. insult)

bitch nigga. (state of being, referring to female tendencies. insult)

you’re acting like a nigga. (stop acting like what people think this word means and associates with because you’re making yourself look bad)

you see that? i just used that same word 5 different ways, all with different and obvious connotations. now don’t argue that not everybody understands because if they don’t understand then it’s not for them to understand.. simply put.

words are nothing without what people chose to make them. nothing as defined by wikipedia is ”no thing,^[1] denoting the absence of something.”. with out you and how you feel words are “nothing”. so stop being so sensitive and making something out of nothing.

a historical background is history. saying something is history is to say it is in the past, behind us. sure they’re are still racist people. but who is it affecting when YOU get offended over a word. who is it bothering when YOU get worked up over a word? think about that. i’m black/spanish/euro and i choose not to let words like nigger, coon, spic, blah blah blah effect me.

i rest my case

*bangs gavel*  

last friday was the OF show.

not going to go into detail.

taco said he recognized me from tumblr.. lmao kwerd.

but shout out to Clancy, Brick and Tyler. seriously. they made my day perfect.

oh, and shout out to jasper for letting me skip the line to get into the pop up shop.

bye bye.

i wish i had someone to talk to… i think ive figured out that’s all i want right now… someone i can rely on to be there when i need some conversation who won’t bore me, and actually enjoys random conversation and likes to be on the phone. and at the same time, be able to hang out with me and be down to hang out whenever…. yeah

saturday i spent the day with tia. i made my way from 15th and market to 18th and walnut.. down to 5th and south. we’d been planning to get some Pho for the first time and again pushed it back because of the nice weather. aside from getting “hit on” every 4 blocks, this was one of the better days in the year to me. we stopped at a 711/subway on broad street because she was hungry. she got a sub and i got a popsicle. we sat at a table next to these old ladies that seem like they meet up there everyday. the woman next to me complimented my popcicle hahah she said the colors  were pretty and that we were pretty and that tia had wonderful hair. she asked us if we were good girls and if we were having fun that day. and over all the were both really nice ladies. the older one told us to always make our own fun no matter what. i have a feeling i will never forget that, or them. i’m not sure what it is but that really stuck with me. also, their attitudes; i hope to be that nice when i’m old. alot of people associate being bitter with being old but these ladies were anything but bitter .. they were really awesome..

also i met this girl at liberty place because she thought that i was someone else.. i’m glad she did.. she turned out to be the most awkwardly cute people i have ever met.. she’s so carefree and just… i’m not sure.. she’s awesome.. i finished the day downtown playing ninja for the first time in ritten house. it was really cool.. the day was so light and it felt endless… so much fun

it ended on a bitter sweet note like any good day i have.. 

i’m rambling kind of … i’ll stop bombarding you all with all these words and stuff and post a bunch of pictures to satisfy your eyes

as I was just laying in bed I started to reminsce about last year, and how things could have went if I didn’t have a tumblr. more specifically my summer. I use to say anything on here, I still do, but I would tell stories and accounts of tender and specific subjects. I would name names, places, and my exact emotions. things that would go on in my “relationship” that I felt I had no one to go to about, I posted here. even when tia became a true friend to me, there were things that I thought she would think were so stupid of me to be depressed over that id hold it back from her and eventually post here.. I think of how destructive it was to the situation I was in but on the contrary it was therapudic. releasing the burden of the mean cycle of mayhem and chaos called my mind to someone, anyone who would care to listen or even respond made me feel, if not anything else, relief. this made me think and helped me realize that everyones coping mechanizms are unique to them and serve a different purpose for each person and no one method can be deemed “wrong” so long as it is helpful.. for example, me posting my detailed personal information for the world to see helped me to see I wasn’t alone, where as other people could’ve seen that as being an attention whore or just plain stupid of me to do, it inevitably helped me, it also helped me look at things from another perspective.. only thing I can’t condone is cutting, I’ve had someone was close to me who has that problem and it hurts everyone.. I can’t even explain the type of heart ache and emotional pain I went through.. it actually makes me tear up to even think about it.. for anyone who does it I don’t judge, I just hope that one day you can find a healthy way to deal with your emotions and stop bottling everything up.. but to get back, I just realized how pivotal the internet is/was as a role in my life over the past two years.. I wouldn’t be where I am today, have the friends that I have, know the music that I know, gone the places I have been, go through heart break, none of it… none of it would’ve happened.. as twisted as some of what has happened has been I’m better for it… and its all thanks to the internet (ignore spelling)